Mar 10
09
Win A Globe Gift Set
Posted by Ty
Right then folks, all you have to do to win one of two of these lovely Globe wallet and belt gift sets is post your absolute best joke in the comments below. The competition closes on Friday 12th March at 17:00. Good luck making me laugh, I’m a grumpy old man!
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A rabbit wakes in to a butchers and says “GOT ANY CARROTS?!”
The Butcher replys ” Im a Butcher, I dont sell carrots!”
the rabbit hops out.
The Rabbit comes back the following day and says “GOT ANY CARROTS?!”
The Butcher replys ” Im a Butcher, I dont sell carrots…I told you this yesturday!”
the rabbit hops out.
The Rabbit returns again the following day and says “GOT ANY CARROTS?!”
The Butchers says “Look this is the third time you been in here and asked, the next time to come in here im gonna nail your ears to the table!”
the rabbit hops out..
The Rabbit returns yet again a day later and says “GOT ANY NAILS?!”
The Butcher replys “NO…”
The Rabbit says “WHAT ABOUT ANY CARROTS?!”
What do you call something that has nothing to do with an elephant?
…Irrelephant.
I made that one up myself ;)
What is small, red, screams a lot and can’t turn aroung in corridors?
A baby with a javelin through its head…..
You having a sunday roast… A, its tuesday. B, You cant roast Bourbons and Squares.
A bit un- PC this one but makes me chuckle.
A blind man with his guide dog walked into a bar.
The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head.
The bartender runs up and asks, “Man, What the heck are you doing?”
The blind man replies,”Just looking around.”
in america people with big boobs work in hooters. Where dp people work if they have one leg?
ihop
1: “Have you seen Stevie Wonders Wife?”
2: “No”
1: “Nor has he”
What’s red and white?
… Pink!
A man with a speach impediment goes shopping.
His first stop is an off licence, he asks the cashier “Can I have a bottle of bum please?”
“Excuse me?!” asks the cashier.
“A bottle of bum please.” and the man points to a bottle on the shelf.
“Oh, right, a bottle of RUM”, so he sells the man his rum and he leaves.
His next stop is a garden centre, where he asks “Where can I find a fuckit?”
“Pardon!?” said the shop assistant.
“I need a fuckit to put water in.”
“Oh, a bucket! Over there” so he pointed the man towards the buckets and he was off.
His final stop was the repair shop, where he told the repairman “I’ve come to pick up my cock”
“What!?” said the repairman
“My cock…” said the man as he held out his receipt.
“Ah, right, your clock, here it is.” He handed it to the man and he left.
Later, as the man was walking down the street, and stranger stopped him and asked him for the time.
He replied, “of course, hold my bum and fuckit while I get my cockout”
…I learnt that nearly 10 years ago, that scares me…
why did the girl fall offf the swings?
coz she had no arms!
Man arrives home and shouts up the stairs to his wife:
“Great news i’ve won the lottery, pack your bags!!”
She shouts back:
“Shall I pack for warm or cold weather?”
Him:
“I don’t care, just be gone by midday”
Theres a hippy that gets on a bus and theres only one seat left and its next to a nun.
so he sits down and has a quick look at her and thinks… ‘Wow, shes hot’
so, now wanting to have sex with her but not being very good with the ladies, he says “hey nun! wanna have sex??”
Then the nun, discusted, gets up and gets off the bus.
the busdriver over heard him and says to the hippy, “i know what to do if you wanna have sex with her!!”
“What? tell me!!” the hippy replies,
“well every wednesday she goes to that graveyard to pray, you could dress up as god and tell her that all her prayers will be answered if you have sex with me!!”
so wednesday comes round and he gets some robes and a mask and waits for her in the graveyard…
he sees her and says “Hey nun! Do you want all your prayers to be answered??”
“yes GOD!!” she says.
“Well, all you have to do is have sex with me”,
She thinks about it for a second and says, “ok but can you put it in my bum? because i want to stay a virgin”
The hippy says “Of course!!” thinking this was great because not many girls like it.
After they had sex he thinks wow! it would be funny to tell her that she has been tricked, so he pulls off his mask and says “HaHa!!! Nun it is me!! The Hippy!!!!”
and the nun turns around and pulls her mask off and says “Yeah and I’m the busdriver!!!”
Babe, i’ve finally left that wanker ashley, and i’m on my way round to you big boy and i’m horny as fuck, love you cheryl, xx ( carlsberg dont do txt msgs, buit if they did… you’d be the last cunt she’d send that too – lololololol
how do you kill an elephant??
a: with an elephant gun!
how do you kill a blue elephant??
a: with a blue elephant gun!
how do you kill a red elephant??
a:you strangle it until it turns blue then shoot it with a blue elephant gun!
how do you kill a purple elephant??
a: theres no such thing as a purple elephant!
how do you make a hanky dance??
a: put a little boogy in it!
whats the difference between KINKY and PERVERTED?
a:KINKY is when you use a feather, PERVERTED is when you use the whole chicken!!
Whats brown and RHYMES with Snoop??
a:Dr Dre
jack and jill went up a hill to taste some of jills candy but jack got a shock with a mouth full cock and found out jills? name was randy!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a… silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”See more
Q. what does a gay guy order when he goes to a chinese?
A. The creamofsomyanguy!
Paddy’s struggling down the road with a wardrobe. A friend says”hey paddy why don’t ya get mick to help” paddy says” hes inside carrying the clothes
I was talking to my German friend Clause earlier today and I asked him why he kept a piece of meat in the boot of his car?………he said ‘That is my spare Veal’
Paddy and Murphy were walkin through a forrest when they see a sign….TREE FELLERS WANTED!
Paddy says to Murphy ‘Shame there’s only two of us’.
Next time your having a bad day imagine this. Your a siamese twin, your brother attached to your shoulder is gay, you are not. He has a date coming over tonight.You only have one asshole!!!
A new networking site for battered wives has just been launched, its called Twatter!!
Q: What cheese is made backwards?
A: edam.
A mental patient is in hospital when a nurse catches him with his willy inbetween to buscuits! “What are you doing?” she asks. “I’m fucking crackers” he replied!
7 Englishman and an Irish man in a rape line up. The victim walks in, Paddy steps forward and shouts “Thats her the ungrateful fat fucker”
Fantastic! Ive just discovered Twitter. It’s my girlfriends sensitive area between the Twat and the shitter!!
2 parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, “Can you smell fish?”.
Q. How do you know when a woman is having a bad day?
A. She has a tampon behind her ear, and she can’t find her cigarette.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”
Why can’t a bicycle stand up on its own?
Because it’s too tyred!
Teenager asks his Nan “Have you seen my tablets, marked LSD?”, Nan says “Fuck the tablets, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?”
What’s the world coming to? Just the other day I heard someone stole a dwarfs wallet!
How could anyone stoop so low. .
Two blondes walk into a building,
You would have thought one of them would have seen it!
Police are seeking a guy who has so far stabbed 6 people to death with knitting needles all in the same area. A spokesman for the police said “He seems to be following some sort of pattern”
A man is lost in a hot air baloon over Ireland. He looks out and sees a farmer. He shouts “Where am I?” The Irish farmer looks up and shouts “You can’t kid me you bastard, your in that basket”
The wife asked me where I wanted to be buried…………apparently up to my nuts in your sisters guts wasn’t the answer she was looking for!!!!
A womans dead body was found this morning with seaman in her ear. The police said”She probably heard her attacker comming”
Paddy is in the airport with a sack over each shoulder when he gets stopped by customs.
They search the sacks and find loads of mobile phones in them. The customs officer asks Paddy why he has all the phones? He replies
“Well I was on my travells in America and I got a phone call off my mate Murphy He told me he is starting up a jazz band and could I bring him back 2 saxophones.”
kids know far too much theses days.
Today in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls immitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, “you’ll end up with lille baby dolls if you keep doing that” she replied “I don’t think so dickhead, he’s doing her up the arse”
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother”Frank Brown showed me his willy today”. Before her mum freaked out she added “It reminded me of a peanut”. Relaxing a little, with a hidden smile, her mother asked “Really small was it?” Sally replied “……………No, salty”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”.
The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”
The lady asks, “How do I do it without surgery?”
“Just rub toilet paper between them.”
Startled the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?”
“I don’t know, but it worked for your ass.”
Paddy comes home from work and finds his wife in crotch-less panties. She opens her legs and says “Oh Paddy you big hunk o’ love, Howz about givin this a good lickin??” Pointing at her lady bits!!
Paddy looks at where she’s pointing and says “That!!! You must be joking, look at the mess its made of your knickers”
Pregnant Irish girl phones home. “Mam oi tink me waters hav broke!”
“Oh me holy jaysus. Where ya ringin from?”
“Oim ringing from me minge to me fockin ankles!”
Apparently, Jonathan Ross only goes to rugby matches to play pranks on people.
He loves Twickenham.
I got hit by a rental car today. Fucking hertz.
At first, God created Man… then he had a better idea.
“Let’s make a slave for Man”